


To Welcome Death

by randomaestheticnerd



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Drug Use, Drugs, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomaestheticnerd/pseuds/randomaestheticnerd
Summary: When everything gets to be too much, Spencer makes a decision that changes everything.TW: suicide, drugs, death
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Kudos: 90





	To Welcome Death

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicide, drugs, death  
> Please don't read if you're uncomfortable with any of these topics.
> 
> In sorry about the summary, I've always sucked at those. This was inspired by @criminallminds on TikTok. Thanks for the idea, and I hope you enjoy!

He couldn’t take it anymore. The withdrawal effects of the dilaudid he had been forced to take during the course of his kidnapping had finally caught up with him. He stood on the scale in his bathroom, the numbers too high for his liking.

115  
You know that you could do better than that. Worthless.

And the voice was right. He tried to ignore it, to just tuck it away into the back of his mind. Yet he couldn’t. Spencer prided himself on his vast knowledge on a number of topics, but this felt like his smartest idea yet. He had thought about it for a while, a mere idea at the back of his mind. The idea grew and grew, forming into a plan that seemed almost too good to be true.

Work passed by quickly, no case meaning that he was left to organize his files with little care, knowing that it would all be for naught in the end. As the clock struck seven, everyone went to pack up their things. Penelope came out from her “tech cave” as she called it, her laptop covered head to toe in stickers tucked neatly in her arms. Her outfit was especially crazy today, with her bright hair and hands filled with an abundance of accessories. Emily had one of her classic work suits on, and she debated with JJ about some show that he never watched even when they almost forced him to buy every season and binge it. Hotch and Rossi were talking about work, which surprised no one. Derek had taken to throwing a flirty comment towards Penelope before turning to Spencer.

“Hey,” he started, his voice oddly gentle. “I’ll see you tomorrow pretty boy.” I nodded and gave him the best smile I could manage, although my heart ached at leaving.

Stop hesitating! It's better for him in the end, he’s sick of taking care of you. They won’t even notice. They’ll go about their days like it never happened, and you won’t even be a memory.

Once again, I didn't have a rebuttal to it’s statements. I didn’t deserve to be here, I didn’t deserve to take up this space when someone better should take my place, someone more capable than me. 

Spencer began his commute home, a journey of sitting in a taxi because he didn’t want his last day to be spent on the metro. The driver finally stopped the cab, and Spencer carelessly slapped a few bills in his hand as he walked out. 

His apartment was shabby to say the least, but it was home. Books were thrown onto every bookcase and shelf, a few fallen onto the floor. His work desk was filled with papers and a large computer, one he didn’t use all that much since Penelope was the tech savvy one on the team. 

He pushed the papers onto the floor, the white drifting through the air for a moment before settling over the fallen books. He grabbed an old spiral notebook, ripping out a few pages until he had enough.

He grabbed his favorite pen, one that had been gifted to him by Derek after he forgot to grab a pen sitting at his desk, and was too lazy to go back. 

“We’re supposed to be taking notes pretty boy. This is gonna be a big case.”

“You do realize I don’t need notes right? And even if I did, I forgot my pen on my desk.”

Derek was quick to sport a grin, reaching his pocket before pulling out another pen. It was sleek black, nothing really special about it. But he handed it over to Spencer and he couldn’t help the smile resting on his face as his cheeks flushed slightly. He decided to take notes anyways, because he knows that Derek won’t give up, even if it’s against all reason and logic.

It was a fond memory of his, definitely one of his favorites. Brushing the flashback aside, he grazed the paper with his pen, forming words dripping with black ink. There wasn’t really any rhyme or reason behind the letter, he only poured out his thoughts onto the paper. For the most of it, Spencer let his mind drift as his hands flew across the paper with ease, finally expressing his suppressed truths. 

It wasn’t long before he had finished the first letter, so he moved on to the next. And the next. He wrote one for everyone on the team, wanting to give each person a goodbye before he left. He wrote one to his mom, hoping that the letter would somehow find its way to her. 

He put each one in a white envelope, sealing it before writing the names on the top before setting them down on the desk. He watched as they sat in a small stack on his desk, the only neat thing in his chaotic apartment. He walked away, choosing to enter the bathroom

It's time.

Spencer reached into his cabinet, pulling out the familiar bottle. A syringe was placed next to it, and he grabbed both with surprisingly calm hands. He pulled out some of the drug into the syringe, quickly filling up with the clear liquid. 

Something ached at the back of his mind, begging to be heard. He needed to give a proper farewell to Darek, because he didn’t want to only leave him with a measly letter. He pulled out his phone, fingers searching for the contact. He pressed it quickly, waiting as the line rang. One, two, three, four rings, and it kept going.

“Hey, this is Derek Morgan. I’m busy right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you.”

Deciding that this would have to do, he took a small breath. “Hey, uh, it's Spencer. You probably knew that based on the caller ID, but that's not the point. I just wanted to say goodbye, that's all. You’ve been my best friend, and I’m glad. But it's too much. Everything is too much. I keep getting reminded of that day, and I hate it. I hate that I can’t let go of that kidnapping. I know that I’m a coward, that giving up shouldn’t be how I go out. But I’m okay with being a coward. Everyday in our job requires confidence and skill. But for once, I can’t do that. And I’m sorry. Tell the team I’m sorry, that my days working with them were the happiest days of my life. And tell my mom I love her. I’ll see you on the other side.”

And with that, Spencer pulled the phone from his ear, pressing the red button to stop the voicemail. His hands returned to the syringe, making sure to fill the syringe to the top line. He knew how much a normal dosage was, and how this was almost triple the normal amount.

Just do it! It's pathetic that you’ve waited this long!

He shoved the needle in his arm, pushing the neck of the plunger further in his arm, dispensing the dilaudid to his bloodstream. The effect was almost instantaneous, the numbing finally taking over his senses. The voice was quiet for the first time, and he was at peace.

It wasn’t long before his legs gave out, dropping his body onto the cool tile. He heard the front door open, a vague voice filling his apartment. The voice was loud and rushed, but it wasn’t the voice in his head this time. It was Derek, who shouted over the buzzing noise filling his head.

It was mere seconds before the doorknob rattle, and Spencer was somewhat grateful that he had locked the door before he started. “Spencer, I swear to god if you don’t open up right now, I will break down this door.”

He could barely move, let alone open a door. He was interrupted by the door shaking, the outside force crashing into his bathroom door. It shook twice more, before the door gave out and swung open.

Low and behold, Derek stood frozen in the doorway. He dropped to his knees, taking Spencer’s body into his arms. Derek searched for the syringe before pulling it out, his worst fears fulfilled as the syringe was empty, the only sign that it had been used were the few drops still lingering. 

“Everything's gonna be okay.” His voice was frantic, trying to take in too many things all at once. “Look at me, look at me. We’ll get out of this. We’ll patch you up, get you good as new. But you have to stay with me. I’m not going to lose you, not after everything. You’ve fought for too long to just give up now dammit!”

Spencer couldn’t hear any of the words now, his eyes focused on the moving mouth but never registering the words in his mind. He felt drowsy, heavy eyelids begging to rest. Derek shook his body to try and keep him awake, and the jolt only just forced Spencer to open his eye just a bit wider. The body he rested on was warm, lulling him into a sense of calm that his body took advantage of.

Derek’s efforts were short lived, as Spencer closed his eyes. He took his final breath, barely breathing as his vision filled with darkness. Derek tried to shout at him, to shake his body until he woke up, but it was too late. 

Death was close, and he welcomed it with open arms.


End file.
